The long awaited summer 2016 blockbuster from the Conservative Party has been roundly slammed by critics for its despicable characters and highly derivative ending. Finding Tory tells the tale of an over-privileged blue shark, George, nicknamed Tory by his friends for his conservative outlook, love of caviar and advocacy of traditional family values, who also suffers from chronic short-term memory loss.
Tory and his lifelong friend Dave, a slippery eel, become separated on 23rd June, after they drift into the choppy waters of Project Fear and are overcome by a freak wave of support for leaving their warm, comfortable European waters. With his plans to become PM now flushed down the toilet, and suddenly stranded like a fish out of water, Tory feels totally isolated from his cosy Notting Hill set. Pushed out the back door of his No 11 home by the nasty new Headmistress, a snapper called Theresa, George is left to fend for himself for the first time in his life, taking refuge in the family wallpaper business and the Italian Riviera.
Snippets of Torys past keep coming back to him. Tory remembers getting swallowed up by a big school of neo-liberal pollocks in 2010, embarking on a 6 year voyage of austerity. Images pop into Torys head of selling millions of people down the river. He also recalls himself in numerous factories, always looking uncomfortable in a hi-vis yellow jacket and safety goggles, but he cant workout why he was there, and what he was doing. Flashbacks to pasty taxes, deals with Google and Starbucks, and spare room occupancy charges keep coming back to Tory, but thankfully, or conveniently, he is able to forget these every 10 seconds or so. He tries to remember happier times by focusing on a photo of himself with his new Caesar haircut in 2014. Will he ever see his buddy Dave again?
Thankfully, Dave puts an audacious plan into action, and despite much carping from the opposition benches, manages to secure his old friend the Companion of Honour status. With the honour permitting him to use the initials CH after his name, Tory immediately changes his twitter handle to @TattonTosserCH, before returning to the bosom of his Notting Hill chums.
The whole thing smells more fishy than Grimsby market, said one critic. Classic Tory plot line, and a much overused abuse of the honours system plot device to ensure a suitable ending. By the end I was very green around the gills. I just hope we dont ever see this co-called Bream Team in any sort of sequel.